


Our Little Secret

by aknymph



Category: The Grisha Trilogy - Leigh Bardugo
Genre: Explicit Language, F/M, I Don't Even Know, I Will Go Down With This Ship, Non-Canon Relationship, Oral Sex, Sex, Shameless Smut, what else do I even put here
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-28
Updated: 2020-05-29
Packaged: 2021-03-03 01:40:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,844
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24426679
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aknymph/pseuds/aknymph
Summary: Essentially a deleted scene from Siege and Storm. This picks up from one of Alina's "visits" to the Darkling. He shows her what he "has to offer."
Relationships: The Darkling | Aleksander Morozova & Alina Starkov, The Darkling | Aleksander Morozova/Alina Starkov
Comments: 12
Kudos: 73





	1. A Glimpse

**Author's Note:**

> I wanted this scene, so I wrote it...Enjoy! (This is my first fic, so be gentle lovlies)   
> Initial italics are directly quoted from the original text.  
> More notes at the end!

_“I think you fear this thing that binds us.” It didn’t frighten me. Not anymore. I took a slow step forward. He tensed, but didn’t move away._

_“I am ancient, Alina. I know things about power that you can barely guess at.”_

_“But it’s not just power, is it?” I said quietly, remembering the way he had toyed with me when I’d first arrived at the palace- even before, from the first moment we’d met. I’d been a lonely girl, desperate for attention. I must have given him so little sport._ Yet, I could tell that there was part of that tether that even he didn’t understand, couldn’t anticipate. It was why he’d come to me all those times, not to toy with me, torture me, but to try to understand what ever this was between us. 

_I took another step. He stilled. Our bodies were almost touching now. I reached up and cupped his cheek with my hand. This time the flash of confusion on his face was impossible to miss. He held himself frozen, his only movement the steady rise and fall of his chest. Then, as if in concession, he let his eyes close. A fine line appeared between his brows._

It was true then, what he’d confessed to me the night of our display for the king, even though he didn’t understand this, knew it was contrary to both our schemes, he did want this, want me and saints, it felt good to feel that desire coursing through him despite the confusion that ran alongside it.

I let my fingertips trail along his jaw as I rested my forehead against his. I breathed in slowly, allowing myself to savor that scent of his I hadn’t noticed until I started sleeping in his bed. I felt his breath on my lips as he spoke my name, “Alina”

“Don’t,” I whisprered, “not yet.” He didn’t move.

My heart was beating harder now, pounding in my ears, but I willed it to quiet. My hand on his face continued it’s trek along his jaw, down his throat, as my other hand found his chest, began moving slowly up to his shoulder, the back of his neck, into his hair. My own eyes closed then and a sigh escaped my lips. I knew that this was wrong, knew it, but still it _felt_ so right. The longing between us pulling that tether tighter, weaving our story together again and again. I wanted this. _He_ wanted this.

“Alina,” he dared to whisper my name again, a plea on his lips.

“Yes?” I whispered back.

“ _Please_ , Alina.”

My answering kiss was fiercer than anything even he had delivered to me. My lips were hard against his, my own plea matching his. My hand in his hair tightened, pulling his mouth against mine and our bodies closer yet. One of his hands found the small of my back, fingers splayed to feel more of me against him. A breathy moan escaped me, into his ear as his mouth began trailing kisses across my jaw, his other hand in my own hair, bracing my head as he moved his kisses lower, down my throat. I turned my head for him, giving him access and bunching his shirt in my fist.

He chuckled at that- the Darkling chuckled. I flushed with embarrassment, did he still think me just a silly girl he could use?

“Don’t do that, Alina,” he said, “don’t revert back to that girl who doubts her power over others, her power over me. I want this, want _you_ just as much as you want me. More.” He was speaking slowly, quietly, as if this confession was hurting him. “Let me give this to you. Let us have this one thing between us, this secret that will be just ours before we go back to this war. Let us have this, Alina. Please.”

There it was again, that ‘please.’ Had the Darkling ever used that word with anyone else in his lifetime? In the many lifetimes he had lived? I didn’t speak my answer, but instead pulled back to look at him. He wouldn’t meet my eyes, so I ran my fingers along that perfectly chiseled jaw again and tilted his head up. He looked at me then, his grey eyes swirling with what could only be longing, but also loneliness. He was lonely. Another feeling I could understand. Another link between us. I tilted my head, studying him. His hands tightened around my waste, reading whatever longing and desire he was seeing in my eyes and then we were entangled again. My arms wrapped tightly around his neck as this time my lips brushed his ear, trailed down his neck and he groaned, sliding his arms beneath my backside and lifting me up. I wrapped my legs around his waist as he carried me, I thought to the table. But no, he was too theatrical for a table. I groaned in annoyance as I realized where he was taking me. He chuckled again.

“Let me give you everything, Alina, even if only for a moment.”

He was giving me a glimpse, I realized, a glimpse of what he could lay at my feet now that he controlled Ravka. I wouldn’t think of that now, all the power, the future he could give me. No, right now I wanted to be in this moment, to share this secret with him.

He set me down on the throne beside his and braced his arms on either side of that throne as he kissed me again. My hands found the buttons of his shirt then, his eyes meeting mine, matching my hunger. He kissed me slowly, tugging on my lower lip with his teeth. I finished the buttons, and he shrugged off his shirt. I slid my hands down his chest, feeling the slim cut of muscles that lay there. His eyes closed again at my touch. Saints, I could get used to watching him come undone at my fingertips. He leaned over me again, placing his hands on my thighs, gripping them tight. A gasp escaped my lips. 

“Tell me what you want, Alina. Rough?” he licked his lips, “Gentle?” We locked eyes. “Somewhere in between?” Slowly, he was speaking so slowly. I just wanted him, wanted all of him, now. His mouth twitched up at the corner, a cocky grin lacing his lips. “Well?”

“Yes,” I managed to stammer.

“Yes, what, Alina?”

“Yes to all of it,” I said as my mouth mimicked that cocky grin of his.

“Mmm, an apt pupil indeed,” he said and then barked, “Stand up.”

“Wha,” I began, flustered now, but that grin of his remained, so I stood and as his hand found the waist of my pants, I released the tension that had begun to course through me. I watched him as he worked, slowly sliding my pants from my hips. He was bare from the waist up, but I was now bare from the waist down. And nervous. I was so nervous. He must have felt it, seen that shift in me as well, as we both realized I’d never been this exposed to anyone. He met my eyes then, and the tenderness I saw in him caused a tentative smile to play at my lips as I realized he was kneeling before me on this dais..

“Gentle first, then,” he said as his hands started trailing up and down my thighs. My eyes fluttered closed at that caress.

“Sit,” he commanded, still smiling back at me.

I wanted to regain my composure, fought to force the flutters from my chest, and searched for a cocky retort. We could share this secret without me having to be a complete puddle on the floor because as much as I wanted this from him, he wanted to give this to me. The Darkling wanted to be gentle with me. He wanted to give me tender kisses in secret places, and I was going to let him.

“Only because you’re kneeling,” I said, semblance of composure finally returning.

“If this is the way we are to spend our days, I would gladly pledge my fealty here and now, Alina.”

Saaints, the way he said my name, as a plea and promise. I wanted him, and I would have him, but not before I had his mouth on me. I slid my hand up the side of his face as he planted kisses on the inside of my thigh. My mouth parted open in expectation. His hands, still gripping my thighs, slowly parted them and he brought his body fully between them. He paused with his head hovering at the apex of my thighs and inhaled deeply, breathing in the scent of me.

“Did you know that your scent was all over my bed when I returned? The servants had all gone, so no one had changed the sheets.” His chest was heaving, his head downcast again. “I thought it would drive me mad, thought I’d rip the sheets from the bed and cast them into the fire, but every time I went to, I couldn’t. I would see you laying there before me the night I came to you in that bed, my bed and I would bury myself in those blankets, in your scent. I dreamt of you, Alina, my Alina, lying there in my arms, sharing my bed. I dreamt of us.”

He met my eyes, and there was a glisten I never imagined he was even capable of. Was this another trick? I’d already offered my body to him. Did he feel he needed to convince me further? Why show this vulnerability now? No, this wasn’t a trick, and even if it was, it didn’t matter. We would give ourselves to each other in this moment, let this be our lifetime together, lived out in this fevered dream and then we would go back to ourselves. So I leaned to him, kissing him tentatively and said, “In this moment, I am yours, and you are mine, and I will give you everything.” And I felt it then, felt that surety that so often came with his touch course through as he returned that kiss, slowly, tentatively as he moved his head to rest it on my shoulder and I felt the wetness of his tears on my neck. My fingers stroked his hair as we sat there, twining through the silken strands.

“What is your name,” I paused, “your given name?”

He pulled back from me then, just enough to see my face. “Aleksander.”

“Aleksander,” I slowly repeated back to him, smile meeting my lips at the feel of it. “Aleksander,” I whispered again. And the look in his eyes that came with the sound of his name on my lips almost undid me.

The tentative boy was gone and a man, an ancient, cunning, beautiful man knelt in his place. The man that now knelt between my legs had no more time for tears.

“Again,” he said,voice like gravel, “say it again.”

The heat that pooled inside me at that tone was impossible to ignore, so I let every ounce of desire show through as I spoke his name again.

“Aleksander.”

I barely had time to finish speaking it as his head, oh saints, his mouth fell between my legs. Both my hands fisted into his hair, pulling him closer against me as his tongue stroked up and down my folds. His hands were holding my thighs apart as they trembled around him. He stroked and massaged with his hands as they held my legs apart, his arms wrapped up and over my legs, barring me to him. And it was incredible. It was pleasure and pain, longing and release. I arched into him, again pushing his face harder into me. He pulled back from me for a moment, meeting me eyes, holding my gaze as he licked up me again. I moaned at the view of his tongue trailing up me, my body exposed before him. His eyes trailed down my body then and back up to my eyes as he shook his head.

“This just won’t do.” 

I didn’t have time to react before my shirt was over my head, and I sat there, on a golden throne, bare before my King, my Aleksander. I grinned down at him.

“Done with me so soon, Aleksander?”

“Never, Alina.”

His mouth found mine again, our arms wrapping around each other, his hands hungrily feeling my body. The taste of me on his mouth had me moaning into him and he lifted me up from the throne then, the throne that would be mine if I chose him. I could choose him, I realized. It would be easy to choose him.

He did walk us over to the long table this time. He set me gently upon it, kissing me all the while. As soon as I was sitting, my hands found the buttons of his pants and I felt him smile through our kisses. Good, let him see that I wanted him too, that this wasn’t one sided, that it wasn’t only my greed that propelled me into this secret of ours. He let me struggle with his buttons for only a moment before he extricated himself from his pants and let me press my body against him, let me feel the hardness of him pressed against me.

“Aleksander,” I moaned against the skin of chest, daring a look at what lay pressed against me.

“Be patient, my Alina. In due time.”

He climbed over me then, pulling me with him fully onto the table, but he didn’t stay hovered over me for long. He was already trailing kisses back down my body. He placed a kiss between my breasts as I ran my fingers up and down his back. He met my eyes and moved his lips, kissed my breast once, twice. I watched as he moved his mouth to my nipple and slipped his tongue out to brush across me. I shuddered. He flicked my nipple with his tongue again, again. I pushed his head down on top of my breast. He laughed with his mouth full of me as he sucked. My breasts had always been small, insignificant, yet as he sucked them into his mouth over and over, I appreciated them for the pleasure they were giving me now. He pulled his mouth from my breasts and slid his hands brazenly down my body, back again, squeezed my breasts, and then slid his hands back to my thighs. He was kneeling before me again, straddling me, but this time there were no clothes between us. He raised one of my legs, wrapping it around his waist and holding it there. His other hand found a spot at the center of me and his thumb began stroking me. 

“Saints,” I moaned, and he smiled.

As he stroked me, I slid my hands up his thighs. I knew his eyes were on me, but I didn’t meet them, no, I watched his body under my hands, I watched him react as my palms trailed the inside of his thighs, up, higher, until i felt him, one hand sliding back between his thighs, the other pulling forward to stroke the length of him. I still didn’t meet his eyes, I felt shy, but also curious. He was the first man I’d seen like this, felt like this, bare before me, and I wanted to take my time feeling him. I hadn’t realized his hands had stilled on me until he started stroking again, a slow circle on that glorious spot. I followed his lead, that same slow, steady pattern of stroking along his cock. I could have sworn he grew harder, longer in my hands as I went along that way until I felt Aleksander stroke a finger down lower.

“Alina”

I smiled at him. I could feel the wetness myself without him touching me now, but with his finger so close on the edge and the length of him in my eyes, I could barely stand the ache, the burning for him any longer.

I hummed at him, “I suppose I’m ready if you’d like to have your way with me now.”

He leaned over me, “Is the time for gentleness passed then?”

I guided him down the length of me, letting his tip graze my wetness, then back again.

“As much as I’d love to relinquish all control to you, my dear, I think you better let me do the initial guiding.”

“Oh?”

“The first time for a woman can be...uncomfortable, and in all your longing for me, I think you may be a bit hasty. Will you trust me with this, Alina?”

There was so much more to this question that he wasn’t saying, so much more between us, but again, I could give him this, show him this trust with my body, with my pleasure. What might come later wasn’t our concern, not yet. He was still waiting, having taken over the stroking I’d begun while I thought through our next moves, as I decided if I could indeed relinquish control to him, even if only for a moment.

I let him see the confidence in my decision, let the cocky grin grace my face once again as I said,” Have your way with me, Aleksander.” And he did.


	2. Do Not Hide From Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Part 2 of the previous scene bc, well, smut + after

I let Aleksander show me what he could give me if I indeed decided to rule beside him. I was lost in him, his scent, the feeling of his strong body against mine. Back in the White Cathedral, my body was still weak, but here, with him, I was strong, alive, _vibrant_ even. Though my body here was only a part of myself, I could feel his power flowing through me and mine through him as we explored this bond between us. That sense of surety I’d always experienced at his touch was somehow made different with this joining, as if he too could feel the surge of surety, of rightness when we were together.

“Alexsander,” I moaned, as he thrust himself into me, grazing my neck with his teeth. He had gone slowly with me at first, letting me adjust to the size of him. He was more attuned to me than I imagined it possible for someone to be. He listened to my sounds, responded to my movements, making the smallest adjustments at any sign of the slightest discomfort. As I grew accustomed to the size and feel of him, he allowed himself to grow more fierce in our exchange.

“Yes, Alina?” He was breathless, and he seemed vexed at having to remove his mouth from my body long enough to speak.

“I want this, Aleksander. I want us. I want _you_ ,” it was a chore to speak with the things he was doing to my body. He had his hands braced on either side of my head to keep from crushing my body beneath his, and it gave me the most glorious view of us both. Those teeth had made it to the base of my neck, and he bit me, eliciting another moan. Never had I imagined wanting a man to bite me, but the desire that coursed through me at that was unmistakable.

“More,” I ground out, feeling a smile playing at his lips at my response.

Never had Aleksander, had the Darkling, been so obedient to my desires, and I found it thrilled me to have him at my command, even if only in this. He continued to move his mouth lower, marking me with tongue and teeth as he went. When his mouth found my breast, he pulled back, only lightly tracing it’s curve with his tongue.

“Aleksander,” I moaned again, a plea on my lips.

“So eager.” I could tell he was pleased with himself, pleased with the reaction he was garnering with such little effort.

He moved his tongue across me again, this time a brazen lick instead of the light caress from a moment ago. But I was tired of waiting, and as his tongue slid over my nipple, I arched my back, thrusting my breast into his mouth. A moan escaped his lips at that, but he obliged, sucking me deeper into his mouth as I continued to press myself into him. With my back arched, he braced a hand against my bare back and pulled his knees underneath himself to straddle me, pushing himself impossibly deeper inside me. I was surprised to find myself moving then, pulling myself into his lap. I straddled him, wrapping my legs around his waist and grinding myself onto him.

“Fuck, _Alina_.”

I was impossibly encouraged by his response to my movements as I wrapped my arms around his back to grasp his shoulders. One of his hands slid to grip my ass, aiding my movements against him, the other tangled in my hair as he pulled my mouth to his. Despite our rough, pleading movements, his kiss was tender, his full lips lingering on mine. That tenderness unlocked something inside me, and I bucked my body harder, faster against his. He was so deep inside me, and I could feel myself beginning to quake around him.

“Oh, Aleksander. Yes, _please_.” I couldn’t make sense of the words pouring from my lips. I just knew that I wanted this, whatever was coming, I wanted it. Both his hands gripped my hips as he helped my move toward that glorious peak. Aleksander was panting with me, doing everything he could to bring me over that edge. 

“Come for me, my Alina.” At those words, I broke apart, shuddering around his cock, as I rode out that incredible high, our bodies joined for my pleasure. His name spilled from my lips over and over, the sound of which brought him over that edge with me with a few final thrusts.

We sat there, foreheads resting together, panting each other’s air. After what seemed like hours, I felt his brow furrow, and with trepidation I pulled back, and looked at him, surprised to find a smile spread across his face.

“You’re beautiful, my sun saint,” he said as he traced my lips with his thumb.

It was a whispered confession, spoken across the expanse of our bodies. I found that despite our nakedness, all we’d done, the evidence of which was spilled inside me, those words caused a blush to creep across my cheeks. I turned my face to try to hide my embarrassment, but he slid his thumb down the frame of my face, turning me back to look at him.

“Do not hide from me.” I blinked at the sternness in his voice. I met his eyes, realizing it wasn’t anger, but perhaps hurt that lined his features. “Please,” he added then, almost an afterthought.

My own eyes softened then, understanding dawning on me. No, he wasn’t angry, he was nervous, nervous that after all we’d just shared, I would still turn away from him. I let my hand float up to his cheek. His eyes drifted closed as he nestled into my palm.

“Alina,” he began, still sounding pained, “I don’t want to do this without you. I can, but-”

I was ripped from him then, my body being hurdled away. I tried to reach out to him, but I could no longer feel his body against mine.

“Alina. _Alina_.” My name was being shouted, but it was garbled, as if I was underwater. I reached for Aleksander again; where had he gone? Where was I being taken?

“Alina, wake up. Come back, Alina.” The voice was yelling now, no longer muted, and I felt my body being shaken. Anger coursed through me. I would not be taken; I would fight.

I threw up my fists to ward off my attacker, and my fist met bone with a sickening crunch. _Good_ , I thought, _I could do this_.

“Shit. Seriously, Alina? You were dreaming. Fuck, I’m bleeding.”

This didn’t make any sense. I tried to shake the confusion from mind, finally opening my eyes. 

Mal stood before me, hand cupped below his nose as blood slid into his awaiting palm. _Shit_. What had just happened? Had Mal caught me with the Darkling? No, we’d been in the palace, in the throne room. Realization dawned on me then as the room around me came into focus and I felt my presence fully sink back into my body. I was in the White Cathedral. How long had I been with him there, leaving my body forgotten in this tomb?

“Mal?” I didn’t mean for it to come out as a question, but it did none-the-less. My mind was racing- guilt, shame, confusion, frustration all swirling together. I tried to steady my breathing, to remind myself that it was unlikely he had any idea what had happened, what I’d been _doing_ mere moments ago.

“What happened?” I managed, channeling as much of my confusion as I could, to try to mask the anger that was quickly bubbling up inside me. What had Aleksander been about to tell me? Later, I told myself. Later.

“What happened is that you just punched Mal in the nose, Alina,” Tamar responded, suppressing her grin. I grimaced as I realized Mal and I weren’t the only ones in the room. My face flushed, again concerned that somehow these people knew what I’d been doing in a throne room, miles from this place.

Tamar stepped up to Mal then, examining. “Don’t be such a baby, Oretsev. It’s not like she broke it. You’ll be fine.” I didn’t miss the smirk she tried to hide from Mal by turning to face me instead.

“Mal had come to check in on you, and we’d followed,” she said, gesturing between herself and Tolya, “just in case anyone tried to give him any trouble. Only, when we got here, you were out cold. We figured you were sleeping, so Tolya and I stood watch outside your door and left Mal to wake you up.” She glanced to Mal with a slight grimace, “When he started shouting, we figured the two of you were just arguing about something, but after a second we realized it was only Mal’s voice.”

I glanced at Tolya, standing by the door, arms crossed, and found he was nodding gravely.

Mal interjected now, apparently deciding his nose had stopped bleeding enough for him to speak. “You were mumbling and thrashing about, and I thought maybe you’d been poisoned or something, that maybe the Darkling had somehow found us down here and he was torturing you.”

I winced at the mention of the Darkling,wondering what the others would think if they knew I was, in fact, with the Darkling, but that it had been _nothing_ akin to torture that he’d been giving me. Mal must have seen my wince because he moved to sit beside me on the bed and took my hand. “It’s okay, Alina, you don’t have to be afraid anymore. He can’t get to you here.”

How was I going to come back from this? I couldn’t tell my friends that something, _everything_ had changed, because for them, nothing had. But I knew this was different now; our fight was different, I was different, and I needed to sort this out. I needed to speak to Aleksander. We could work this out– together.

“ _Hello, Alina?_ ” Mal was waving a hand in front of my face, “Are you listening? Are you there? Saints, Alina, what happened?”

“I, I–” I didn’t know what to tell them. I didn’t want to lie to them, but I also couldn’t tell them the truth. _Oh, it’s no big deal, I just went to see the Darkling. We talked, well, we didn’t talk that much, but we talked some. We made up. Everything is good now. We’re good. I don’t think he wants to be our enemy, so we can probably just call this war over and go home now._ Yeah, that wasn’t going to work. And was that even the truth? I didn’t know. And I the reason I didn’t know was because Mal’s selfish ass pulled me back here into the hell that I couldn’t escape. My anger was boiling up now, threatening to spill over, and I tried to reign it in, to find details, shards of truth I could share without revealing my own secrets. Mal must have seen my anger though because he was up again, backing away from my bed, hands raised before him.

“Whoa, Alina. Are you okay? What the hell happened?”

“Maybe she’s pissed because she was getting some damn good sleep, and your stupid ass decided to wake her up,” Tamar interjected.

I snorted at that, allowing myself to regain the leash on my anger. These people are my friends, I reminded myself, not my enemies.

“I went to see him,” I finally managed.

“What?” Mal was the angry one now, and I found that pleased me.

“I needed to see what was happening, if he was as weakened as I was.” A half-truth.

“And?” Tolya this time. Ever the sun-soldier.

“He wasn’t.” I could see their disappointment at that. “He seems-” _perfect, beautiful, impossibly good at knowing what I want–_ “at his usual strength. Though I didn’t ask him for a demonstration.” _At least not of that kind_ , I added in my head.

Mal was still skeptical though. What had he observed from me before he’d drawn the attention of the others? “That’s it? It took me twenty minutes to bring you back, Alina. Did he know you were there? Did you _talk_ to him?”

“Of course I talked to him.” I was feeling defensive now, spinning out at the accusation despite knowing he couldn’t know what I’d done.

“ _And?_ ”

“Why are you being so hostile towards me? It’s not as if I invited him for tea.”

“I thought he had hurt you again, Alina. I was scared.”

“Again? When did he hurt me before? He lied to me, yes, but when did he hurt me?” I was furious now– with Mal, with myself, maybe even with Aleksander.

“He cut your arm the very first time you met him, Alina,” Mal spat the words as if I was a foolish child. He was right of course, but that had been a test, to reveal my power. Had there been other times he’d hurt me like that, times I’d merely brushed aside? Mal wasn’t finished though, and I soon got my answer. 

“He tried to enslave you with that fucking collar. He tried to feed me to the volcra on the Unsea. He used _your_ power to spread the Unsea over half of Novokribirsk, killing anyone in its path. He had a _nichevo’ya bite_ you when he captured us in Novyi Zem. Then he kept us apart on that Saints forsaken search for the sea whip. Is that a long enough list, Alina? Or should I continue?”

My eyes stung with tears at the unspoken accusation in his voice, and I fought to blink them away before they could fall. I would not cry, not for this, not for him.

“I’d like to be alone.”

“And I’d like to know what important conversation you were having with the Darkling while I thought he was torturing you in your mind.”

I looked to Tamar then, knowing she wouldn’t disobey. “I’m still disoriented from being brought back in that way. Can you three please give me some privacy? When I feel myself again, we can reconvene.”

“Of course, _Moi Soverenyi_.” She stepped toward Mal as if to lead him from the room, but he just shook his head and walked out. Tamar pulled the door closed behind them.

My mind was swimming with so many thoughts. Mal hadn’t been wrong, not exactly, but I also didn’t think Aleksander had done any of those things to punish me, per say. To him, they were just a means to an end, and though that didn’t excuse his actions, I also knew that he was ancient, and I couldn’t imagine how living for centuries without anyone to understand you could warp and twist your perceptions of right and wrong. I needed to speak to him; I needed to know what he’d been trying to tell me before Mal pulled me back to this hell hole.

I slowed my breathing, allowing it to steady the thundering of my heart as I laid back down on my bed. I closed my eyes and reached into my power, _our_ power. I felt the antlers, the heart of the stag, the tendril of darkness I’d taken with me, and him– I felt for him. 

Nothing. 

I tried again, feeling the bond that flowed between us, the one that had strengthened through the joining we had shared. I felt it all, brushed against the essence that I knew was him, and again, nothing happened. 

It was so easy last time, like walking through an open doorway, but this, this seemed more like a wall. I placed my hand against it, testing, trying to understand what was before me. It was hazy, as if I was looking through a foggy window. I used my hand to try to clear a space through which to see, growing frantic at this barrier that had somehow closed me off from him. It seemed that the haze was beginning to clear, so I kept wiping at the surface, willing my vision to clear. Suddenly the barrier was black. 

“No!” I shouted at him. “No!” I hit my fist against the wall that now stood before me, black obsidian glistening in front of me. I stumbled backward, not believing my eyes, wondering still what trick this was. 

I found myself in my bed again, curled into a ball, tears spilling down my cheeks.

“No, Aleksander,” I whimpered, “No.” How could I have been such a fool? It had been another trick. I had been that stupid, naive girl again, allowing myself to believe he wanted me, needed me. I was a fool. 

My tears fell slightly as I drifted into a fitful sleep. This time, no one came to wake me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I thought about breaking them apart and sending Alina back the White Cathedral in the middle of things, but that seemed a torture too much for any of us to bare…I’m writing the next chapter from Aleksander’s perspective, but writing with his voice is proving to be as difficult as I'd expected. Thanks for reading!


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Final chapter of this scene, at least for now. This is chapter 2, but from Aleksander's perspective!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Writing from Aleksander’s perspective was HARD, but I really wanted to get into his head with this scene to show how he experienced Chapter 2. It starts 3rd person, then switches to first to sort of help get into his head…I know it’s weird, but I think it works?

**Aleksander’s P.O.V. of part 2**

Aleksander still wasn’t sure this was happening, but he wouldn’t pause to ponder it, not now. He was going to give her everything he could while she was in front of him, and if it ruined him in the process, so be it. 

He had felt the draw of power before, much like he knew other Grisha were drawn to his power. His centuries in this world had brought him in contact with many individuals with great power, and he’d felt the pull of it. _Like calls to like_. He’d even felt the draw of power from individuals not quite like the Grisha, those with a power fashioned from something older, but even those people had not understood him. 

There had been other sun summoners, but in his centuries, he’d never come across another shadow summoner. He’d concluded long ago that it was some perversion of Illia Morozova’s power when he’d passed it to his daughter, and that power had passed to him from his mother– the power that had always struck a cord of fear. After a time of wishing he didn’t have to be alone, he’d accepted the fear that followed him and his power, honed it to work in his favor. He’d used it to manipulate kings and Grisha alike- fear had been his most powerful ally. But with Alina, it was different.

He was drawn to her. She did have great power, and the amplifiers had added to it. As summoners, their power flowed through the same vein in the world, but where he called to darkness, she called to light. She was his opposite, his mirror.

“Alexsander,” she moaned, breaking me from my revelry as I thrust myself into her. My name on her lips was a prayer I’d never known.

“Yes, Alina?” I managed, not wanting to remove my mouth from her skin longer than required. I wanted to be the one to show her everything. This glorious woman before me had two other men that wanted her, and yet, here I was, the one helping her explore her body. _I_ was the one giving her this pleasure. Still, the power flowing between us was intoxicating, making it increasingly difficult to hone in on anything else.

“I want this, Aleksander. I want us. I want _you_.” Alina was speaking again. Those words. I couldn’t dwell on them now, but I wanted them to be true, to mean more than her wanting the pleasure of our bodies. I would give her this though, elicit these prayers from her lips for as long as she would let me. I grazed my teeth across her neck and she tightened her grip on my back. I continued down to the base of her neck and raised my eyes to her face. Her own eyes were closed, waiting in anticipation. I bit her neck, pulling a moan from her as her nails dug into my back, marking me like I was marking her. 

“More,” she ground out. I couldn’t help the smile I gave her at that as her desire swept through me. When had this become our way– her calling forth these subconscious secret smiles? This bond between us was a strange novelty to me, and I granted myself leave to explore it. I ran a finger down her core, following it with tongue and teeth. The salty taste of her skin was divine. Maybe she _was_ a saint. I would worship her as one. I found my mouth hovering over her breast. Longing to tease her a bit, I traced the curve of her with my tongue.

“Aleksander.” It was a plea, spilling from her lips.

“So eager,” I chorused, letting her see the pleasure her words brought me, letting her feel that pleasure coursing through me as I continued my thrusts into her. I couldn’t withhold my own longing though, so I bent my head, licking brazenly up the fullness of her breast. She arched into me then, filling my mouth with her. A moan escaped me. This woman. This impossible woman. I’d lived five centuries, and yet I’d never granted myself such pointless pleasure. There had always been a purpose, a means to be sought, but here, with her, I _wanted_. A dangerous game indeed.

I loosed my control, sucking her deeper into my mouth as she pressed her bare body against mine. I wanted to feel her, feel _all_ of her. I pulled my knees under myself as I pulled her body against mine, thrusting deeply inside her. I was shocked for a moment, finding her moving then, as if she’d loosed the leash on herself as well and was ready to claim what she wanted from me. There were still so many things I wanted to do to her, but if she wanted to wring her own pleasure from my body, I would let her. She climbed into my lap, sliding herself back around me easily, and pushed her hips forward hard against mine.

“Fuck, _Alina_.” The words escaped me before I could think otherwise. It seemed that pleased her because she entangled her arms around me. I found I wanted her to take from me, whatever it was she wanted. This was no longer my offering to her; I was laid before her, and she would take from me what she wanted, and I would _let_ her. That realization surprised me. This _woman_ surprised me, and I found I liked that.

I slid a hand down her back, grabbing her ass, and slid my other to her head, entangling it in her silken hair. I kissed her then, slow, tender, lingering. I just wanted to taste her as she wrung her pleasure from my body. I couldn’t have imagined what that tenderness would spark within her. Her movements became rapid, fierce, as she moved her body against mine.

“Oh, Aleksander. Yes, _please_.”

I used her pleas as a guide to give her what she wanted, to help guide her through this new-found pleasure. I grasped her hips, helping her move on me as her body came apart. We were both panting, working up to our peaks together. I was surprised– a now common occurrence it seemed– to find that seeing her pleasure, _feeling_ her pleasure was bringing me so close to my own. I watched as her body arched and bucked.

“Come for me, my Alina.” I spoke the words gently, not a command, but an instruction, hoping to give her a name for what her body was seeking. Her body shuddered around me, an exhilaration crashing through me as she cried my name over and over.

“Aleksander. Aleksan _der_. _Aleksander_.”

The sheer pleasure in her words, my name from her lips brought me crashing down with her, spilling myself inside her with my final thrusts.

I held her there, body pressed against mine. I didn’t want this to end, didn’t want it to be over, didn’t want to go back to what awaited us outside this room, outside this moment. But I also found that I didn’t care. I was disappointed to find Alina pulling back from our embrace. I felt the loss of her acutely, but still couldn’t help the smile that spread across my face at the acceptance of what we had done, what we had given each other. She had trusted me, and I her. 

“You’re beautiful, my sun saint,” I told her, tracing my thumb over those tender lips.

Alina blushed at my words, turning her face from mine, having apparently regained her self-consciousness despite our bare bodies still pressed together. 

I couldn’t bare her embarrassment, her refusal to meet my eyes. I touched her tentatively, allowing my hand to gently caress her face, now worried that sudden movements may startle this tender woman before me. I turned her face back toward me, willing my gaze to lighten. 

“Do not hide from me.” I failed to hide the frustration in my voice, and she blinked at my tone. I tried again. I was not accustomed to sincere gentleness.

“Please.”

Her eyes softened then, seeming to understand that there was no anger in my words. But how could I convey to her what I wanted to say, _needed_ to say. Would she accept my words, or would she turn away yet again? 

Her hand rose to my cheek, as if to sooth me. My eyes drifted closed at her touch. I’d thought the experience we’d just shared had been the culmination of intimacy, but this touch, her hand on my cheek, somehow brought us impossibly closer.

I remembered her earlier confession to me, that she wanted _us_ and hesitantly continued on.

“Alina,” I began, failing to remove the pain from my voice, “I don’t want to do this without you. I can, but-”

She was ripped from me then– there one moment, gone the next.

“Alina. No, Alina, don’t do this. Don’t do this,” I shouted, begged, but she was already gone.

I don’t know how long I sat there, bent over myself on that table. I realized that, somehow, more than my body had been laid bare before her. And it had been too much. I thought what we’d shared had soothed the confusion, the guilt she’d felt at wanting me, at _preferring_ me. I’d thought when she said that she was choosing me, that she meant she was choosing me _over them_ \-- all of them. Her Grisha, her followers, her Otkazatsia. I’d been wrong. Foolish, and wrong.

I gathered the scraps of my dignity as I gathered my clothes from the floor, from before the throne– _that_ throne, that I’d meant to be hers.

As I dressed, I spooled myself inward, allowing my anger, my _embarrassment_ to build my shield anew. I’d lived for centuries. I’d barred myself from this weakness hundreds of years before. This had been a slip, one I couldn’t afford. 

I left the throne room and made my way to the war room in the little palace. This place would be my focus, provide the centering that I needed in this moment. I felt a familiar calm as I strode through those doors, locking myself inside. I observed the table, the maps along the walls, and reminded myself that we were at war. Alina’s actions had been just another ploy, a manipulation that I had used myself hundreds of times with Grisha, with royals, men and women alike. Had this been how they’d felt then, when they realized my actions had been just that– manipulation?

It didn’t matter, I reminded myself. I had a single focus again. I could no longer allow myself the weakness that was Alina Starkov, Sankta Alina, Sun Summoner, Sol Koroleva. I would shut her out. I _must_. 

As if thinking of her had summoned her, I felt her presence begin to approach me. An urgency to guard myself against her flooded my mind, and what felt like a glazed shield encompassed me.

This connection Alina and I possessed was unlike anything I’d experienced with another. My knowledge of merzost and of amplifiers led me to believe it was, at least in part, due to the stag’s antlers that we could visit and communicate with each other in this way. Today had been the first time she had visited me though, so I hadn’t considered there was a way to block her, to keep her out.

I could still feel her, sense her presence all around me. I heard her call out to me, as if from a long distance, “Aleksander!”

I could see a figure before me, on the other side of the shield I’d erected. She wiped her hand at the surface, as if to clear a fogged glass, and I found that the haze began to give way. Was it her will or mine that allowed the barrier to fade? I inspected the haze, studying the feel of it, and clamped down on any lingering curiosity I had at why Alina had returned so readily. I’d made my decision, I would not allow myself this weakness any longer. The barrier turned a gleaming, sold black. Obsidian. My lips quirked up at that. _There, Alina_ , I thought. _Break through that_. 

I couldn’t hear her anymore, but I could still feel her, the essence of her, on the other side of that wall I’d built between us. Her power reverberated over it for a few more minutes, and I assumed she must be hammering her fists against it. I felt what seemed like a gasp of despair from the other side of the wall, and then nothing. 

The absence I felt at the loss of her presence did not hold the satisfaction I’d hoped.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> …At this point Aleksander decides he’s back to playing dirty since Alina must have used him. Oh, silly Aleksander. Where is the trust?!

**Author's Note:**

> xx Thanks for reading!! Also, if I did any of this wrong (warnings, etc, please tell me bc like I said, I’m new to this!)


End file.
